When I last wrote, it was on your birthday. You’ve just turned seven. I’m not sure when I submitted that post, but I’m pretty sure it was after we talked on the phone and before I meditated later that day. I’ve been working nights all this week (and will be doing the same next week too) so I’ve been home for almost the whole day before going to work in the late afternoon or evening.
I called you on your birthday, at midday. We were going to Skype, but your grammy isn’t well so you and your Mum had to go see her. That meant we couldn’t see each other, but at least I could call you. We talked for about fifteen minutes; I’d transferred $50 to your Mum’s account to contribute towards a trip to Disney World but your package of goodies from my Los Angeles trip hadn’t arrived yet (along with your card.) I didn’t tell you about the Star Wars action figures I intended to buy for you from Walmart later – I figured I’d send them another time as a surprise.
These will be your first… later that afternoon I bought you Darth Vader, a seeker droid, Jango Fett (because he’s the father of Boba Fett, one of your favourites), a clone trooper, Anakin Skywalker and a Trade Federation robot. I figured that would be a good start.
I think my first Star Wars action figure was Princess Leia. Mum bought it for me just before I saw the movie for the first time, on my own 7th birthday.
Anyway, we chatted for a little while – you were full of energy and excitement, as always. I asked you if anyone had sung “happy birthday” to you and you replied, “oh yeah, tons” but I sang it anyway.
Later that day, before I left for work, I meditated for a little while. I always listen to music… it helps to calm my mind… and I have some of the music from The Karate Kid Part II on my playlist. It has an oriental feel to it and is beautifully soothing… I wish I had more of it.
Anyway, as often happens, I fell into a state somewhere between awake and sleeping… and I thought of you. This music was playing… I could see you… it was a bright, sunny day somewhere… and we were outside… you were saying things to me and we were laughing and having fun… and for some reason we decided to throw a branch to one another.
But somehow it wasn’t me… it didn’t feel quite like me… the person you were having fun with was someone else, like another boy your own age. I suddenly felt disappointed… because I wanted you to spend time with me… and then you turned and ran away, laughing and playing with your new, suddenly unseen friend.
I can’t completely describe what I felt… hurt, sorrow, disappointment… not at you… but at the situation… I felt as though you were leaving me, as though I was the one who should feel abandoned and not the other way around.
I don’t fear much… but I fear losing you… of seeing you growing more and more distant… emotionally, spiritually and physically. Unfounded fears, maybe… and despite the distance between us, I will do all I can to be in your life… to avoid mourning the death of this father/son relationship we’ve crafted… and hold a funeral for my fears instead.